|Self-Injury: You are NOT the only one.|
Saturday, March 1, 2008 is SI Awareness Day.
"We are male and female. We are artists, athletes, students, and business owners. We have depression, DID, PTSD, eating disorders, borderline personalities, bipolar disorder, or maybe no formal diagnosis at all. Some of us were abused, some were not. We are straight, bi, and gay. We come from all walks of life and can be any age. We are every single race or religion that you can possibly think of. Our common link is this: We are in pain. We self-injure. And we are not freaks."
I know, I know, I post this every year, but it's still true :P
I haven't cut in almost 2 1/2 months. To some, that seems like nothing. Great, you beat it. Not so easy, I'm afraid. It's a daily struggle, it always has been and it probably always will be. Decisions aren't so easy to make sometimes, and the decision not to cut is often the hardest decision I have to make in a day.
I am a cutter. Less frequently I burn, and when things are really, really bad I'm a head banger, to the point of unconsciousness. Whatever it takes. There, I said it.
Quite a few of you are new to this journal in the last year, I hope I don't scare any of you away ;) I'm not crazy. In fact, I'm probably too fucking sane, that's my problem. It's hard for me to stop thinking, and once I get started there's a certain cycle that keeps repeating. I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I was severely abused as a pre-teen and into my teenage years. I'm ("we're" if we want to get the professionals involved) unable to say if this is the only cause of my BPD, but I have a strong doubt. It's complicated. I have guilt issues that I've never resolved and probably never really will, but I can recognize them for what they are now. I have an issue with anger and letting myself be angry, feeling that I have the right to be angry. I have a problem with decision making, and I get easily overwhelmed with decisions. (Please, please don't ask me to make open ended decisions! Give me 2 or 3 choices and then I'll decide. It's so much easier that way, and way less stressful for me.) I know and recognize my short comings, and I try to deal with them as best I can. I like to think I'm doing okay. :)
To all the other people out there that deal with self injury (whatever it may be, and yes, I do consider EDs a form of SI) please please know that you're not alone. Take it one day at a time. If you make it a day, congrats! That's amazing. If you don't, you haven't failed. There's always tomorrow to try again. It's a coping method, an addiction, and sometimes a saving grace. We can do this together, you know where to find me.
See also- ASHIC